I have been on the self-awareness path for many years. To me, self- awareness often leads to a spiritual awakening that can be both a blessing and a curse. There is the inevitable feeling of inner peace and calm that comes when you connect with a source, knowing or consciousness greater than yourself – what some may call God, the Cosmos or Universe. Having felt this once, you can be sure that you will want to have that experience again.
Not only will you chase it, but you will want to feel it all the time. Well, at least that’s what happened to me. I thought that having glimpsed that ineffable experience of wholeness, that I was now a spiritual being destined for enlightenment! I’m laughing right now as I write this.
The one thing I forgot is that I am human! And as a human I still have to contend with all it means to be human. Some days are good and some not so good. Some days I feel generous and open, other days I want to be left alone. Some days I am full of sunshine and rainbows and other days I have a dark cloud over my head.
On my ‘good’ days I would feel that I was getting it ‘right’; that I was climbing that spiritual ladder and getting closer to being that perfect picture of total inner calm, bestowing love on all my fellow humans. (More laughter as I write this.) And on my ‘bad’ days I felt like I was going backwards, sliding back down that ladder. So it became more like a game of snakes and ladders than the learning curve of self-awareness.
The major misunderstanding is that a self-aware person, a person who is walking a path to higher consciousness, is supposed to be all-loving and saint-like - always. Never getting angry or speaking ill of others or making mistakes. Talk about an impossible dream! You might be able to fake this for a while but in the end, it’s just not real.
Being real, to my mind, is more important than playing the part of the enlightened individual. I say ‘playing the part’ because I realized within myself that I was denying a whole lot of feelings and emotions that I thought didn’t belong in that vision. If I felt angry, I would pretend I wasn’t or make excuses as to why it was unreasonable for me to be angry (hint: I was ‘better’ than that). If I felt disappointment, fear, abandonment, pain, regret, guilt I would rationalize myself out of it because (you guessed it!) I was better than that.
The irony is that the more self-aware you become, the more these ‘negative’ and less desirable feelings come up. And they come up because they are the path to greater understanding and ultimately, your own evolution. Like I mentioned in last week’s newsletter, you will find a whole lot of dirt before you uncover gold.
So what might look like going backwards, or sliding down that ladder, is actually an opportunity to fully embrace your own humanity, warts and all. It isn’t about denying or suppressing anything. Trying to stuff down those feelings will only cause ill-health elsewhere in your body and you will probably inexplicably and unexpectedly erupt one day at the slightest provocation. (Yep, I’ve done that.)
Allowing those less-than-desirable emotions to surface does not mean that you vent your anger or grievances to those around you. It’s an annoying fact that our anger, disapproval, judgment, upset etc, have nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with unresolved pain within ourselves. It’s also annoying that while someone might have triggered those emotions, they are also doing us a favour because they are showing us where we are not yet healed. (More on triggers next week.)
There is no point denying we feel those emotions; they are real, and they are painful. Finding practical and effective ways to deconstruct this program of emotional turmoil is invaluable to our well-being and growth. If you’re doing it right it will feel like a chaotic game of chance: one minute you’re up, the next you swear the whole thing is stupid. And just at the point where you feel you want to give up, that’s when you find the gold.
‘I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy; I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.’
Next week, I will use a case study to show how this process might work for you.