How to Turn Setbacks into Potent Lessons
The magic of paying attention to the little things
I stuffed up my knee in my last dance lesson. Today I saw the physio and he told me what my body knew all along – that I needed to stop dancing before I did further damage.
No big deal, right? It’s only dancing. It’s not like I’m some professional dancer who’s missing out on a golden opportunity. It was just for fun anyway. Besides, people have real problems, and I’m upset about this?
So why am I upset? Why did I shed woeful tears, crying on my daughter’s shoulder like this was oh so important?
Because it was. Obviously.
What we often miss in our adult lives is paying attention to the little things that upset or annoy us; the things we judge as being trivial in comparison to genuine problems and trauma. But these supposed trivialities show us exactly what needs healing within us.
In our minds, there is a hierarchy of ‘pain worthiness’, where we calibrate who and what is deserving of our attention and empathy. And on this scale, we are usually placed somewhere near the bottom end, resulting in invalidation and harsh rhetoric that we should just grow up and get a grip. I wonder if we would treat others so harshly, even if their upset was not due to some catastrophic event.
The truth, however, is that feelings are real, irrespective of the cause. Fear is fear. Pain is pain. Anger is anger. Jealousy is jealousy. The cause is irrelevant. We feel whatever we feel because it has touched some core wound within us – one that has followed us since childhood that we haven’t yet identified and subsequently have not been able to heal.
In my case, the pain of having to bow out of my much-anticipated dance performance pointed to the unworthiness I projected onto my feelings. That they were ridiculous, immature and childish. And while this may be a small matter in the big picture of my life, the pattern of dismissing and invalidating my feelings is not. I do it constantly.
Until now….
Now I have an opportunity to break that cycle. I have an opportunity to transform the pain into power. Instead of belittling and criticizing myself for being upset, I honour those feelings. It doesn’t mean wallowing in them, nor does it mean playing the hapless, sad victim. No. It means giving them space and permission to be there with no judgment.
If you’re lucky, you may even get an insight into where this pattern came from – usually from your childhood. For me, it was from when I was a young, shy girl and my mother, in her wisdom, tried to toughen me up by inadvertently and unintentionally dismissing my feelings. In the past, I would have blamed her for my shortcomings but there is no power in that. Paradoxically, this ‘shortcoming’ – being upset when something goes wrong – is my portal to greater connection to myself.
When you dismiss or invalidate your feelings, you are separating yourself from parts of you, trying to suppress unwanted behaviours which only keeps them more firmly in place. (What you resist persists.) When you honour and allow yourself to feel all that is rising up in your body, you connect with those unwanted parts that you thought were unworthy and not deserving of your regard. They are seeking your attention. They are seeking your understanding and compassion. They want to be seen, heard and felt.
Sometimes, that’s all that is needed to heal that part of you.
It turns out that my disappointment has been an exceptional gift. In the past, I would have held onto that upset, blaming the Universe for taking something away from me. Not only that, but I would also become bitter and begrudge the opportunities the other dancers had. This is how toxic our unhealed wounds can become.
Instead, I am grateful that my knee gave out. I can appreciate that it gave me the space and time to untangle a lifelong pattern. Sure, I am disappointed and there is nothing wrong with that, but showing myself a little more kindness and compassion is pretty awesome. And that’s no trivial thing.