The Traps of Trying to Find Your Authentic Self
I read a lot of books. And I mean a lot. There are usually about six to eight books on my nightstand, along with a couple more in the lounge room in case I get bored. Most of the books are non-fiction – psychology, spirituality, and self-help topics. I am always researching and wanting to learn about human behaviour, what makes us tick and how to reach the ultimate goal: being our authentic self.
But there’s a problem with this method. I’ve got it all backwards. I will not find my authentic self in someone else’s words, no matter how insightful and inspiring those words may be. I will not be able to find my voice amongst the brilliant other voices in this world, not if those voices are supplanting my own. In fact, what I feel I am doing is placing more layers upon my true essence, pushing it further into the recesses of my consciousness. My mind is full of other people’s ideas and expressions, all reverberating in a constant cacophony of noise that, quite frankly, is driving me a bit batty.
This is my addiction. This is my core wound. The one that whispers I am not enough that drives my desire to keep reading, keep learning in the hope that by some miracle, my authentic self will materialize – with bells and whistles no less.
Of course, I am still waiting for the fanfare, for the anticipated relief of finding myself. When I can finally say: Oh yes! There I am at last!
It’s all quite amusing really. Here I am, wanting to guide others toward their authentic self, while I am bogged down in the mire of other people’s expressions. How ironic! Which is how the Universe functions sometimes – taking you to the opposite of where you want to be so you can spring back to your truth.
Perhaps it is time to stop trying to remember how an author phrased something or how some teacher expressed an idea which I, in my desperation to be someone, would try to mimic. The truth of me cannot be found in a book, much less a book someone else wrote. Instead of trying to be someone, the someone my mind thinks I should be, I could just be.
Who knows what will emerge if I start to dismantle and unplug myself from all the second-hand wisdom I have acquired. But then again, some of the things I learned have enhanced and reinforced my own knowing. Some things have resonated deeply so perhaps there is no need to discard anything at all. Perhaps they were always a part of me and the reading reminded me of them. I recognise that it’s not originality I am striving for, it is authentic expression. Just like you, my experiences and perspectives are unique therefore the expression is also unique. And each expression is valuable and valid. A very wise person taught me that.
Whatever the case, whatever is to unfold, I am willing to embrace and trust that what needs to emerge will emerge. It always comes back to trusting yourself a little more thus allowing your authenticity to shine through. All you have to do is let it be.