What does it mean to live your values?

‘The major value in life is not what you get. The major value in life is what you become.’ – Jim Rohn

Knowing our personal values helps us live authentically and happily and is fundamental to how we choose to live. We all have a sense of this even if you haven’t taken the time to identify them. We can all relate to core values such as honesty, integrity, responsibility and respect. There are numerous lists and tools to help us identify our values. I believe what’s even more important is what happens after we’ve completed such exercises.

Personal values are just that – personal. They are what you choose to live by and define how you want to behave. The trap we sometimes fall into is expecting other people to behave according to our personal values and can cause many misunderstandings and frustrations.

For example, say one of your values is kindness. In a perfect world, everyone would behave and treat each other with kindness. But we live in a real world, not a perfect one. What happens if someone does something that you consider to be unkind? How do you respond? With kindness or with something else?

Sure, there may be many reasons you can think of that that person doesn’t deserve to be treated kindly, but what has that got to do with your personal value, the one you said was important to you? Are there conditions to when and with whom you will practice kindness? In other words, is your value of kindness dependent on the actions and behaviours of others?

I think it’s interesting to ponder over these questions. It reminds me of the statement: Being good when you feel good is not being good. How are you being when things are not so good?

I have recently started to notice the times I project my values onto other people. That’s when I say I value understanding and compassion, for example, and I get my nose out of joint if the other person doesn’t reciprocate or behave accordingly. But it’s not up to the other person to show that to me; they are values I say are important to me, things I want to embody and express. Besides, how can I expect someone else to understand me if I don’t try to understand them?

‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood.’ – Stephen Covey

Something else to consider is this: Say your list of values includes kindness, respect, understanding, and patience. You’ve decided that these are important principles you want to express in your relationships and communication with others. It is only natural to want to be treated this way as distinct from having that expectation. But let me ask you this: Do you treat yourself this way? Do you grant yourself respect, kindness, understanding and patience or is it conditional on whether you’ve been ‘good’ or ‘bad’?

Here's the rub then. Your values are not about other people, they are about YOU. Therefore, other people are not obligated to behave according to your values, especially if you don’t treat yourself in alignment with them. Sounds obvious but it can be uncomfortable too, because we might have to surrender our moralistic attitude toward others at times. Ouch!

‘Try not to become a man of success, rather become a man of value.’ – Albert Einstein

The purpose of having values is for you to embody them irrespective of outside circumstances. I’m not going to pretend that this is easy or simple. It is neither. But it is a challenge worth taking on if we are serious about living authentically and in alignment with ourselves. So far, that’s the only way I have found peace and harmony in my soul.

I will leave you with these wise words from one of my favourite singers:

‘Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same but you leave ‘em all over everything you do.’ – Elvis Presley.