Over the past few months I have been pondering the meaning of the word ‘grace.’ Ever since I attended a retreat last September and one of the retreat leaders said that I conducted myself with grace, I have thought about what that means. Not only how it is defined but how it manifests in our lives. To be honest, it is quite elusive yet at the same time, I believe we have all experienced moments of grace throughout our lives but didn’t know it at the time.
Searches on the internet invariably come up with definitions and articles with a religious context; that grace is something bestowed upon us by God. The most common definitions being ‘undeserved favour’, ‘God’s favour toward the unworthy’ or ‘God’s benevolence on the undeserving.’ I’m going to be completely honest and say I don’t find any of these helpful. Nor did I find the Oxford dictionary to be particularly helpful either.
So, what is grace to me? Personally, without any intention to disparage anyone’s personal beliefs, I do not like the terms ‘undeserving’ and ‘unworthy’ in the context of grace. To me, it feels like you are given a gift accompanied by a slap across the face. In which case, should I be grateful or ashamed – grateful that I received such a gift or ashamed because I am unworthy?
While I do not call myself religious, I do believe there is a power beyond our understanding that some people call God. My belief – for what it’s worth – is that God would not look upon his magnificent creations and call them unworthy or undeserving. Are the trees or the mountains or the animals or the oceans unworthy or undeserving? It is us, our human selves, our ever-present inner critic, that thinks this way. Perhaps it would be appropriate then, to grant ourselves a little grace. Ironic, no?
Putting the religious connotations aside, I see grace as a two-way street. We can be the recipient or the giver of grace. The offering of grace, to oneself or another, is not some token of religious or spiritual piety. It is a necessary act that enables us to evolve and become better people. It is about understanding, compassion and forgiveness. You cannot possibly confer grace to another unless you simultaneously bestow it upon yourself. Think about that for a while. The order in which it happens is immaterial; giver or receiver, the opportunity to demonstrate a higher level of understanding and compassion - for yourself or for another - is inescapable in those moments. It is up to us to seize those opportunities. That is also grace.
Grace has a particular energy – what I see as a divine feminine energy. This doesn’t mean that grace is only in or for women or that it’s some fuzzy, feel-good energy. Just as love can be fierce, so can grace. Sometimes it takes a fierce countenance to stand for what is good, for what is calling us to become better. And that is difficult at times, and painful, because sometimes it means staying silent when you want to speak, to defend yourself and state your case, while grace is asking you to stay your anger or your grief and to, annoyingly, do nothing.
Most of all, grace is about the wisdom contained in silence. So often it is what we don’t say that is the mark of grace; the space created that allows for reflection and deeper thought and ultimately, healing. It is with grace that we can allow all our thoughts and feelings to play out in the vast field of our mind, without judgment or analysis; to let them emerge from the depths of our soul and to dissolve back into the nothingness of eternal silence. It’s when you have felt all your anger, all your pain, shed all your tears, that grace will grant you the wisdom you seek.
Grace is the most potent of all virtues. Five letters to describe something that is ineffable yet fundamental to our lived experiences. Life without grace would be almost beyond endurance, what we might call hell on earth. Without grace it would feel like there is no end to our suffering. So how can we, as mere mortals, demonstrate or bestow much needed grace in those situations? How would that show up in the world?
In my experience, grace manifests in the most subtle of ways. It’s when you bite your tongue even though another has wounded you with their words. It’s when you smile through your tears. It’s when you offer a comforting word instead of advice. It’s when you accept an apology without the need to be right. It’s when you complain less and listen more – especially to yourself. It’s when you quietly walk away from people or environments that no longer serve you. It’s when you recognize both the fragility and courage in yourself or another, without the need for fanfare or bluster. It’s when you see another’s light as a reflection of your own.
And if all else fails, the only thing to do is to surrender and allow divine grace to have its way with you, bringing with it a gentle reprieve to your inner turmoil. And we are all worthy and deserving of that.