When spitting the dummy is your only option

Or when enough is enough

I’m done with self-improvement. I’m done with evolving my consciousness. I’m done with identifying self-limiting beliefs and patterns. I’m done with healing wounds that will always be a part of me. I. Am. Done.

It is time to pause. It is time to breathe, to breathe like a normal person, and not to find some tension or resistance in my body. It is time to be here, with me, exactly as I am.

I realised a couple of things recently. One is that spiritual teachings and practices can be addictive. They can become something we do to get somewhere: to get to a place that we imagine is better than the place we are in currently. Let’s face it, there is always something to work on. There is always some improvement we can make in ourselves. Yes, we can be better so at what point can we just be?

It dawned on me that a spiritual pursuit can fall into the same trap as a religious one. In the Christian religion, it’s about doing in order to get into heaven. In spirituality, it’s about doing in order to raise consciousness. Both are about attaining something we perceive is lacking in this now-moment, in this now-body we inhabit in this now-life.

There is no other life than the one you are living now. There is no other place for you to get to. There is no one else for you to be. Sure, you may wish things were different – and who among us hasn’t wished for that – but you are, and your life is, exactly the way you need to experience it.

And here’s the problem: too much time is spent on ignoring, denying and even rejecting what is happening right now because our mind is busy future-gazing and making up stories. We spend more time planning the next thing, and the one after that, to notice the present reality of our life. And the mind, with its incessant and relentless need to ‘talk’, draws us into its egocentric illusions based on judgments and edited memories, where – surprise, surprise – we are the innocent victims in an unjust world.

The truth is Life is terrible and Life is beautiful. That’s it. It’s no more complicated than that. There are good times and difficult times – for everyone. You can choose to be the long-suffering victim or not. Life is neither for you nor against you. But you, YOU, are in the driver’s seat. YOU are the one in command of everything you think, feel and do. Not as a project to fix but as the witness to it all. That is both the burden and blessing of Life. That is both the burden and blessing of being here in this Life.

And we tend to forget that.

It’s not about whether you choose to meditate or not. It’s not about whether you do yoga, become a vegan, convert or opt out of Christianity, join a drumming circle or do any of the things designed to increase self-awareness, raise consciousness or connect with Source. Sometimes these practices become a means to hide from yourself – the very opposite of their intention.

Thus, my dummy spit.

Despite my best intentions – or perhaps because of them – I feel less connected with myself because my attention is on ‘doing the thing’, hoping for inspiration to drop into my lap, and some ethereal being to tell me what the heck I’m supposed to be doing. Ironically, I have outsourced my own knowing while trying to source my own knowing.

So, this is me – raw and unfiltered – speaking now. Most days, I have no idea what I should be doing. Some days I spend more time playing solitaire on my computer than being productive. I question and analyse just about every thought, expecting some magical revelation to materialise. No wonder I feel drained and depleted at the end of the day!

Of course, all of this is self-inflicted. Which, ironically, is good news. It means I am in control and I can do something about it. It turns out this dummy spit has been enormously useful. Now excuse me while I go and not do anything to improve myself.