Fight, Flight and Freeze

The unexpected lessons of salsa dancing

A couple of newsletters ago I wrote about the natural fear and resistance we feel when we step outside our comfort zone, relating it to my personal experience of signing up to be part of my dance school’s annual performance, where they showcase different dance styles on stage in front of a live audience. At the end of the newsletter I wrote that once in a while it’s good to do something that terrifies you, totally oblivious to how terrifying this experience was going to be….

Last Wednesday night, we had our first choreography lesson with Alex, an experienced dancer, teacher and choreographer. To say I was lost within the first two minutes is no exaggeration. The chummy pre-talk he gave the team prior to the dance lesson put my nervous system immediately on alert, particularly because he said he expected us to remember the steps flawlessly by the next lesson. Yikes!! I was still having trouble knowing my right foot from my left at times!

And then we began – at one hundred miles an hour, thank you very much. Most of the team has been dancing for a year or more, and several have performed in the gala event previously; and then there’s me: novice, beginner, with about 12 lessons under my belt. It’s at this time that I start to wonder what was I thinking?

To be honest, I wanted to leave. I felt so out of my depth, so uncoordinated, and frankly embarrassed and a little ridiculous. I mean, is this really necessary? I asked myself. What am I trying to prove and to whom am I trying to prove it? For the astute among you, you will recognize this as the ‘flight’ response, where fear-driven thoughts scramble your brain, and you just want to flee to safety. And my impulse to flee was strong.

But I didn’t. For some reason, I kept going even when I partnered with the dance instructor, making all sorts of mistakes, tripping over my own feet and almost crashing into him. At this point, I wasn’t thinking much at all. I felt a grim determination to get on with it and to suffer in silence. I was resigned, I felt numb and was on autopilot, paradoxically trying to be invisible while still dancing.

It may not be obvious, but this is the freeze instinct. Just because I was still participating and my body was moving, I still felt disconnected and detached from my surroundings and the other dancers. I didn’t want to engage with anyone and certainly wouldn’t look anyone in the eye. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, all the while moving my feet hoping no one would notice me or my fear and discomfort.

This all might sound overly dramatic, since I’m talking about dancing and not some mortal danger, but this type of response is independent of the actual danger you are in. Fear is fear. Whether it’s physical or emotional, it’s the threat you feel to your safety, to your identity and even your reputation (saving face etc.) that triggers the fight-flight-freeze reaction.

So there I was, doing I don’t know what with my body and my feet, praying it would soon be over. At some point, I partnered with male dancer number six in our group. That’s when things got even more interesting.

While I knew I was making mistakes and stuffing up, every other male dancer encouraged me and said not to worry, I’ll get it right. This guy decided to tell me I was doing it all wrong, but he didn’t stop there. He said that if I got the steps wrong that it would stuff him up and everybody else on the team. I started to see red, folks. It’s like my brain snapped at that moment and I wanted to punch him in the face.

Welcome fight mode!

Not very lady-like, I know, and of course I didn’t. But by God, he was not going to get the best of me! I was going to keep going and make him eat his words. Perhaps not the most mature response but this is characteristic of the fight mode. Whether it’s trying to prove someone wrong or going to battle over some threat, the body is hit with adrenaline but instead of wanting to run you are spurred into action. Lucky for me – and maybe him – the ‘weapon’ of choice was to keep dancing.

Of course, while I have related my experience from the perspective of dance classes, it’s not really about dancing. It’s about what happens to us when we step outside our comfort zone, when we dare to put ourselves out there and learn something new. It’s about being willing to look and act the fool, and developing the awareness and courage to feel all the resistance, the fear, the negative self-talk, and the wanting to run away but staying the course despite it all.

The fact is, Life will always present us with challenges, challenges that will trigger our fight-flight-freeze impulses because we are human and wired that way. What matters is how we respond. And we always have the choice to respond differently.

The purpose is not to overcome or eliminate these basic and ancient human reactions. When we go into fight-flight-freeze mode, it’s an indicator that there is an opportunity for us to shift something within, to move beyond the fearful mantra that has played out in our head for (possibly) decades. It invites us to step into unknown territory and this can be very uncomfortable and even downright scary. Ironically, this is what it means to be fully alive and present in your life. The result doesn’t even matter, it’s the fact that you stepped into the unknown and found a strength and bravery you didn’t know you had. It was there all along, waiting patiently for you to take a breath, trust yourself a little more and just go for it.

Yes, once in a while it’s definitely worth doing something that terrifies you.